My medication "crisis" was averted the morning I wrote about it.  I called the pharmacy when I knew they had opened and they were there.  It wasn't until later in the afternoon I realized what I had put myself through.  The anxiety I had felt over the racing thoughts and having to take a pill to stop them.  I was afraid it would turn into the last episode I had of racing thoughts...except they had gone on for weeks before they became unbearable and I self harmed.

I became my own observer and realized everyone has racing thoughts at one time or another.  I'm not the only person in the world to experience them.  They don't always have to be about my bipolar, they can be what they are.  I'm not sure if everyone who has a mental disorder goes through the same of thinking any emotion "out of order" is about their disorder.  It becomes this vicious cycle of always blaming the "bad" moods and feelings on it.  I tend to think anything going through my head I don't feel is "normal" (I so dislike that word) is a result of my disorder.  After this epiphany I, of course, started trying to figure out how to realize when it's a "normal" feeling, or if it's part of my disorder.

I had a chance to think about it again yesterday.  My day was going absolutely fine, I was in a great mood.  I showed up for my therapist appointment and she wasn't there.  My appointment is today and, for some reason, I thought yesterday was Thursday.  I laughed at my mistake all the way home.  Everything was still honky-dory and I went about my happy day.

Sometime in the late afternoon it was like something hit me up side the head and all of a sudden I was melancholy. What had happened?  I was so enjoying my great mood....why this...why now?  I began going through my head about what could have triggered this sudden change in mood.  Oh my god...here it goes again.  I thought my depression was kicking in and started fretting over what had triggered it.  I thought...and thought...and thought.  It made me more melancholy trying to figure out what went wrong.  Again, I was blaming my disorder and was thinking "damn...here I go again". 

A little later in the evening the same epiphany.  Everyone feels melancholy at one point or another.  It doesn't always have to be about my bipolar.  It's an emotion, and although it can be part of the disorder it doesn't always have to be.  A light bulb moment when I start to realize and separate what is the disorder and what is just an emotion having nothing to do with it.  I now understand how much I've come to think of a low mood or racing thoughts as always being about bipolar instead of taking them for what they are....emotions.

I thought about it, and although it didn't get rid of the melancholy mood, it helped me realize it's ok to feel different emotions and it doesn't always have to be about the bipolar.