Ugh...my mind is starting to race a bit this morning.  I think due to the "out of the box" routine of last week I forgot to call my psychiatrist and tell him I needed my Depakote refilled (oops).  I took my last one Sunday morning.  I called as soon as I knew the center was open yesterday to leave a message for him with dosage and stuff and let them know I was completely out.  When I didn't hear back by early afternoon I called the pharmacy...no prescriptions called in for me.  I called the center again to leave another message stressing I was completely out and felt it wasn't the greatest thing for me.  Still no call back and this is very unusual of him.

Now...I don't know if it's the going on two mornings without or if it's partly in my head (hahaha).  I've noticed this morning I can't keep my thoughts on one topic for very long.  Take this post for example.  I've been thinking about posting since I woke up this morning.  In my head I've changed how and what I want to write about at least a dozen times.  I've thought about doing this or that or other stuff today.  I've thought about this and that and the other.  I can't seem to keep focused on one topic.  It was then I noticed the beginnings of the racing.  I don't want to go back there.

The last time this started and got so bad is when I started cutting myself.  I look back now and realize in some weird way it was to take my mind off of all those thoughts spiraling me out of control.  It was as if my mind had control of me and wanted to run the Daytona 500...except it just kept wanting to run it and run it and run it.  I couldn't control the racing and it got worse and worse.

I've been weaned off of medications two times since I began taking them...both with really bad side effects.  When they were weaning me off Paxal to put me on Effexor I had a major melt down.  They decided to hospitalize me to help me through the change safely.  I was having major crying episodes, paranoia and couldn't cope with anything.  It's a bit fuzzy, but I know there were physical symptoms also.

I'm very good at taking my meds. on a regular schedule and as prescribed.  I remember when I was first put on medication a long while back.  Like a lot of people I started feeling much better and decided I didn't need them anymore.  Pfft...that was (and will be) the last time I ever do that.  It was total hell.  So...I'm very strict when it comes to taking my medications on a routine now.

So...are the effects of the Depakote starting to wear off a bit, or am I just thinking it is because I'm going on my second day without?  I know we've talked about weaning me off of it in the Spring.  The key word being "weaning".  I'm almost in tears wondering if it's not taking the medication or if it's my mind saying the racing the thoughts are going to happen because I'm not taking it.  I mean, I'm only going on my second day.  Can it really happen that quickly?  I don't know because I've never missed a dose.

I do know one thing.  I'm calling as soon as the center opens in twenty minutes.  I'm going to be asking to please let me leave him a personal message on his cell phone.  If not I may just call every hour and bug the shit out of them until I get a call back.  Well...first I think I'll call the pharmacy to make sure they haven't been called in.   Ugh...the is one hell of a feeling....