I'm angry at myself this morning.  It started soon after I rolled out of bed.  I felt so excited and ready for a change after I wrote my last post.  Unfortunately none of it has come to fruition.  I'm still playing my online game, seems like even more so since the post....or at least a couple of days after.  I went to my therapist on Monday telling her about how great I felt.  How grounded I felt and how I was going to get back into various things I used to do.  I came home from there and started working on a cardboard heart shaped box I want to collage with various pictures of what it felt like to be grounded.

It all stopped that evening.  I know part of it is we picked Peanut up from having her surgery to remove a foreign body from her intestines.  She needs round the clock care, so I spent Tuesday and Wednesday on the couch cuddling with her.  Stephen had fixed a lamp behind the couch so I could see to cross stitch again.  I didn't....I watched television and played silly xbox games.  I guess it may have started then because I kept telling myself I really should cross stitch.  It was like another part of my brain was saying "nah..just take it easy with Peanut".

Those two days on the couch with her put me back into what I call my lazy place.  I haven't really felt like doing anything else this week.  The box lays on the shelf the same way it looked on Monday when I started it.  The cross stitch is still put away like it has been for all these years.  I haven't been to my volunteer job at the animal shelter since the beginning of the year.  I feel so guilty about all of this...especially the volunteer job.  I feel like I've let them down, like they'll think I'm so unreliable.  That somehow I won't be back.

All of this makes me feel so damn guilty.  It's like then the guilt freezes me somehow and I feel even more guilty. The more guilt I feel the less I do.  It's a vicious cycle and usually turns into anger at myself....which freezes me up even more.  I feel worthless and start beating myself up.  I've always said no one could ever beat me up more than I do myself.  Then I think back to when I was a teen and went through it in real life with my father.  Although we have a great relationship now, the mental beatings I took have scared me more than the physical beatings.  When I start to feel like this it's like I'm opening the scar tissue, living up to what I was told about myself when I was a teen.

I hear those voices which chide me to "pull myself up" and just "do it".  Do what I told myself  I would do.  It's not like I don't want to do it, it feels like I can't do it.  I don't have the energy it takes to pick it up and go back to my "happy place".  It makes me tired to even think about it.  It makes me hurt more when I can't push through feeling like this and just get back to working on that box, or picking up the cross stitch even though I don't want.  Of thinking it might help if I push myself a bit, but not having the energy to even do that.  It pisses me off.

So, what am I planning on doing today?  Play my online game.  Go back to living in my virtual world.  Making sure Peanut doesn't get herself in trouble and jump around.  Yeah, see, I can "blame" Peanut for not doing a damn thing today.  I'm being sarcastic, I'd probably be doing it even if I didn't have to keep an eye on Peanut.

I'm so disappointed in myself.....