I spoke to my close friend Kathy on the phone last evening.  I honestly realize I should pick the phone up more often and reach out to my friends.  Especially when it's someone you've been friends with for over twenty years.  Especially when it's a friend who lives so far away.  Most especially when it's a friend who makes you feel grounded and much better about life after you talk for a few hours.

Kathy has that effect on me...without meaning to....it's her nature.  We really don't talk about my mental illness, but instead share our dreams to travel, architecture and how we love to photograph it,  how we love where we now live.  How we're both so happy to have "escaped" the valley we grew up in.  We share similar circumstances in our youths...but talk about how strong and independent we've become.  Our talks are positive and fun and full of laughter.

I admire her and find her to be an old soul.  Although she'd never know it, she's a good teacher for me.  She lives so simply.  No internet connection (although she uses her phone to keep up on FB), no cable television so only watches PBS.  She lives in the "real" world, which makes me realize how caught up I get in the virtual one.  She doesn't tell me this....I think of it after talking to her.  Kind of like my post yesterday about my online game.  It's like this morning it's not as important to me.  I question myself on how much I immerse myself in that world and what I'm missing out on by staying there.

I think back on my life before computers and online anything.  I was so much more creative, I did so much more with my life.  Of course I had my mental illness back then (but didn't realize it for what it was).  I used alcohol and drugs to self medicate back then.  It wasn't everyday or all the time.  I went more places, did more things, created more, cared more about what was around me.  Took pride in having my apartment clean. 

It's as if the online world and virtual reality games have become my life now.  It makes me feel more than a little anxiety to think about going without it for even one week.  I mean, what would I do in the mornings as I have my first cup of coffee and wake up?  The answer just popped into my head, I could be writing here.

I love counted cross stitching, but haven't really done it in years.  It was what I did most of the time before I found my online game.  It's soothing to me, I concentrate on making those "x" s and doing the counting so that they become a beautiful piece.  While stitching my mind doesn't have a chance to race.  There are patterns I still want to stitch.  My granddaughter is four and I still haven't finished her birth sampler (that's how long it's been since I stopped stitching).

Without realizing it, Kathy helped me to realize this, among other things in my life, that I'm missing out on.  Oh, I've felt the pull to move away from my online game coming for a bit.  It's like smoking though.  It's a habit, an addiction.  I want to (slowly) move away from it and back to the life I enjoyed before I ever owned a computer.  A life where I'd go on my jaunts with my camera because I enjoy photography so much (as does Kathy).  Head out to a flea market or an old antique store just to enjoy and look around.  A life where at this time of year I'd begin looking through seed catalogues and finding joy in placing an order for various veggies and flowers.  Of a life where I would start them indoors and nurture and love them until it came time to plant them outdoors.  How proud I'd feel I'd started them myself.

I could go on and on about the things I "used" to do.  I guess the biggest step for me is not to only talk about them....but to get back into doing them.  Baby steps...I know it's going to take baby steps to get back there.  I know if I quit cold turkey (I laugh as I write that because I'm talking about the computer)  it's not going to work out.  I know myself well enough if I try to do all the things I listed above, all at once, it will overwhelm me and bring me right back to the computer.  So...baby steps...

I don't know if Kathy realizes what an anchor she is to me.  She is...and I'll love her forever for helping me to view my life differently (without even knowing it).