Getting out of my head...

I awoke this morning remembering a very weird dream I'd had.  It seems like now that I'm back on Ambien to help me sleep my dreams are usually weird and vivid.  I often wonder if it's putting me into a deeper sleep...but who knows.

Then it started...the racing thoughts.  They weren't negative thoughts or positive thoughts...they were thoughts.  Everything from my art class in middle school, to thoughts of what to make for the holidays...to what to have for dinner.  Racing thoughts.  It was like my mind had taken on a mind of its own and I had no control.  It was overwhelming me...too much stimulation for me.

I tried various techniques to stop it.  I sat on the porch and watched the birds and squirrels having their morning feeding frenzy at the feeders.  It didn't stop the thoughts.  I tried doing various breathing techniques I've been taught....it didn't stop them either.  They just kept on racing and racing and racing.  They were wearing me out physically.

I kept to my promise of getting off the computer at 9:00 am, the time I feed the dogs.  I had planned on feeding them, having my breakfast, then doing something around the house.  But tired...so very tired...and the thoughts just kept racing.  I tried concentrating on feeding the dogs, but basically did it out of habit. 

I wasn't hungry and didn't want to do anything around the house.  By this time I'd become so overwhelmed by my mind having a thought fest I wanted to go back to bed.  I was exhausted from all the thinking.  I talked myself into doing one thing.  I promised myself if I did one thing and still felt overwhelmed and out of thought control I'd go lay down.

Since we've decided to start purging and getting rid of "stuff" in the house I figured I'd tackle something to do with that.  I cleaned out the "dog cubbard".  Got rid of a bunch of plastic containers we used to use to pack their raw chicken wings in.  Then I went through their medications and threw away anything expired.  All that was recyclable went into the recycling can.  I got finished...and was still thinking and still tired.  I gave in and went up to lay down.

When I awoke an hour later it was better...but my mind still was having a play date with itself.  I ate and then headed out for my pet sitting job.  I can usually clear my head by playing with the border collies outside...nope...my mind wouldn't take a break today.  I was running out of ideals on how to stop it.

I arrived home and decided the hell with it...I needed to do more purging.  I headed up to our medicine cabinet in the kitchen and started going through it.  I had to concentrate on expiration dates on cough medicine, antacids, sinus tablets.  One bottle of Tums had expired in 2001!!!  It started working...I started having control over my mind instead of it having control of me. The cabinet looked so nice and organized when I finished....I was on a roll.

I headed to the upstairs bathroom and began cleaning the "stuff" out it.  Old make up got tossed...almost empty bottles of conditioner got rinsed out for recycling.  Outdated stuff got tossed.  Again, I had to concentrate on what I was doing.  I was amazed at the progress and how much "openness" came from that purge.  It was now not overwhelming with stuff I didn't use.  I also noticed my mind was totally into what I was doing...no longer racing and racing and racing.

I did it...I felt proud of myself.  Not only for accomplishing ridding our house of "stuff" but of also getting myself out of my head.  It's a big step for me and when I saw my therapist today it's the first thing I talked about....how damn proud of myself I was....