The voice of depression...

I just re-read what I posted yesterday and realize it was the anger part of my depression talking.  Yes, depression is part anger...and mine is always turned inward.  It's an anger and rage so overwhelming and, as in this case, can come out of nowhere.  I've worked on my "trigger" check list and can find nothing around me to have started it.  No, it's not even "that time of the month".  So I'm a bit confused as to where this anger came from.  I know it started on Sunday and built from there...coming out of left field to slap me upside the head.

This morning was tough.  I had gone from anger to melancholy and morose.  My body actually ached like I'd been physically beaten.  I was sad and unmotivated and deep inside my head.  When my depression comes out of nowhere being in my head is the last place I want to be....but it's hard to get out of there.  After feeding the dogs and making myself eat breakfast I went back to bed for an hour.  I had to get up to go take care of my pet sitting job.  I can't call out sick with my job, there is no replacement for me.  It's a good thing really...it forces me out of the house.   Although I didn't shower and just threw on some clothes to do it...at least I was getting out doing something.

I got home and went straight back to bed.  I slept for two and a half  blissful hours and woke feeling a bit better.  It's still here though, just more below the surface and easier to live with.  I have support group this evening and I really don't feel like going.  It's a great sign for me when I don't want to go is when I really need to go.  I guess it's the part of me knowing I'll have to get ready and change to go.  Yes, I still have a part of me which remains vain when I'm depressed....that won't allow me to go into a public place not showered or cleaned up.  It's part of my routine....I almost look at it as a mask to cover the messiness going on in my head.

I've been doing so great these last couple of months.  To have an "episode" come out of the blue and smack me down hurts.  It takes me back to thoughts of where I was before I was hospitalized.  I don't want to be there.  Some part of me thinks I'd fooled myself into thinking since I'd been hospitalized, gone through a partial program and now was attending a support group that somehow I had gotten over depression.  It wouldn't come back, at least not as bad as it had in the past.  I guess the big picture is it will always be with me.  A lesson learned and now to go find those coping skills I was taught......