Change...

A word which can be so powerful, yet something which I fear.  I like "sameness" and predictability. I truly believe it's one of the reasons I stopped writing.  I didn't want to change.  I wanted the picture I added to a post entry to be perfect, and sometimes it would take an hour or more of research to find the perfect picture to match what I wanted to write about.  After all this searching I was no longer in the mood to write, the searching had taken the creative writing spark out of me.  I've decided to change, to not look for the perfect picture anymore, to do what I sat out to do...write.

I also wanted to focus on writing only about my depression.  I soon realized in doing so I was, in a way, letting the depression become a larger part of my life and focus.  Depression is part of my life, but it's not my entire life.  By focusing only on my dis-ease I was shutting out other important aspects of my life.  So...I embraced change, refocusing so I can do one of the things in my life I love doing....writing.  Besides the fact that writing about depression all of the time can be, well, depressing!

Over the past couple of  months I've made some small changes (there's that word again) in my life.  Baby steps, but I find they're making a huge difference in the way I view my life and what surrounds it now.  I no longer tune the television to the morning news and news programs when I first wake up.  I now listen to soothing music while reading emails and having my first cup of coffee.  It starts my day on a calmer note and gives me more peace, instead of the negative tapes which can run wildly through my head.

I've fallen in love with reading Pema Chodron.  Her words speak profoundly to me and I find myself nodding my head in agreement with what she writes about.  Some of her work takes me awhile to wrap my brain around and challenges ingrained beliefs.  Once I focus and really contemplate what she's saying it's like having an "ah-ha" moment in my life.  The old saying "when the student is ready the teacher will come" resonates with me when I read her words of wisdom.  They're slowly changing the way I feel about myself and the world around me.

Ahhh....myself.  Over the past couple of weeks I've come to the realization I don't really love myself all that much.  I haven't been taking care of myself, more on a physical level.  I'm ashamed to admit I don't remember the last time I've had a bath or shower.  Although I do give myself a "farmers bath", but there are days when that doesn't even happen (I know, gross).   I wash my hair in the sink about once a week and very, very rarely wear make-up to go places anymore.  I've come to see it as not caring about myself very much and wondering where it comes from.  It's been brewing in my head for the last couple of weeks and I'm still working on the reasons.  When I figure it out I'll surely write about it.  Right now it's sort of like a mystery novel which needs more work.

I sit here now and start thinking of other things in my life I don't like about myself and realize it's not a path I chose to take right now.  All the negativity is not good for my soul or spirit.  Maybe another time when I'm working or pondering about my life and what lies ahead.  For now I'll keep writing....