I'm coming out of the fog that has been my week.  The feelings of wanting to sleep forever have ebbed.  I always want to say I "feel like me" again, but know the dark periods are also me.  Granted, a me I'm not very fond of, but they are me.  It always feels a bit strange to see the sun all of a sudden, to hear birds sing, to be out of my head and in the now.

I have a great therapist and we have a great relationship.  I've been going long enough where she can be blunt and brutally honest and it doesn't anger me.  We can also joke around and she'll admit if it wasn't me she wouldn't be so open.

We spoke of my call to Stephen.  She's proud I've learned to reach out when I reach a certain point in my depression.  Her question though was "what did you need from him" and "what did he give you".  It took me a long while to figure it out...but the answer popped into my head as soothing.  I needed to be soothed.  This is so foreign to me.  It used to be when I'd go through a dark period the only thing I wanted was to be left alone...no touching...no hugging.  Within the past year I've felt the need to be cuddled...to be soothed.  It's a change I relish as it doesn't leave me alone with the thoughts and feelings bipolar can bring on.

Her next question was how could I sooth myself.  I sat there dumbfounded.  I'd never thought about self soothing.  I'd never been taught how to.  It was a strange question and I couldn't even fathom coming up with an answer.  I sat there for what seemed forever trying to come up with some type of answer and my brain stayed blank.  She got a book down from her vast library and showed me a list of suggestions.  Most of them didn't click with me, but a few did and I expanded them from there.

What sooths me?  Sitting in a rocking chair and rocking myself.  Swinging on the porch swing...which reminded me as a child I always loved to swing.  I believe now it was my way of soothing myself as a child.  Sitting on the comfy couch upstairs and reading.  That couch is soft and seems to envelope me when I sink down onto it.  Various smells sooth me, so I came home and ordered some bottles of essential oils I love to burn.  I'd let them run out a long time ago.  Music can sooth me.  I used to relax in a nice warm bath and read...I haven't done that in ages.  I realized I'd quit soothing myself.  I came up with a list of ways to do so when I'm feeling the need.  When I'm alone.
One more coping mechanism to add to my mental health tool box.

I was also reading the true story of a woman with bipolar.  About her drug and alcohol abuse when she was younger.  I realized it was setting off too many triggers.  It was taking me back to a time in my life when I was completely out of control and self medicating.  When I didn't realize I had a mental disorder.  I had decided I needed to stop reading it.  My therapist agreed as it was triggering me so badly.  Bipolar (and other mental disorders) can be triggered by reading something so close to home.  I've put the book away and started reading something light hearted about a dog.  I'm learning, day by day, how to cope, how to take better care of myself.  How to reach out for what I need without feeling ashamed or selfish.  I'm learning how to live.