After my hellish day yesterday I'm feeling better today.  I still feel unmotivated and am immersing myself in my online game.  It keeps me focused on something and eases the racing thoughts.  Right now it's all I can think of, or really want to do.

I knew yesterday I needed to pick up the phone and call someone.  I was in a very bad place.  There's one thing I give myself huge credit for, and that's knowing when I need to reach out.  It's a big step instead of trying to deal with it alone.   I kind of freaked out when I realized I didn't really have anyone to call.  I ended up calling my dad (who usually understands).  He was telling me I needed to get out of and things would be okay.  He didn't stay on the phone with me very long as I think it made him uncomfortable to hear me going through so much pain.

I ended up calling Stephen at work and breaking down crying.  I didn't want to bother him at work, I was already feeling I was a burden to him.  The sound of his soothing voice caused me to loose it.  I let him know everything I was feeling.  About wanting to go to sleep and never wake up because I felt it would be better for him not to have to deal with the mess that can be me.  He said something which really hit me hard.  He told me if I committed suicide he would be all alone.  I could never do that to him.  He's done so very much for me over the years and to give up and go to my endless sleep would be so cruel.  He and I agreed I should go up and sleep...to reboot.  I felt so guilty because it meant I wouldn't be feeding the dogs or making dinner.  I slept for four hours and woke to find him laying beside me.  I rolled over and let him cuddle me. 

Where as I used to hate being touched when I go to the dark side, I now feel like I need to be cuddled.  To be held.  I understand how an infant feels when being held.  How secure it feels, how loving it feels, how soothing.  There are times when cuddling can make a huge difference, I have to learn to ask for it more.  I got up and felt much better.  I came down to play my game and at one point he came over to watch me run a raid.  It was so fun for me to have him there watching.  To see what I do for fun and to take my racing thoughts away.  I had fun explaining it to him and his reaction to the whole mess a twenty-five man raid can be.

I love him with all my heart and I hate what my bipolar does to not only me, but to him as well.  I know how hard it must be on him to see his wife go through the bad periods and not be able to do much to help me.  I feel guilty when I'm only motivated to play an online game and not do cleaning or anything around the house.  He goes off to work all day and I'm lucky enough to be able to stay home.  I feel like since I'm so lucky I should "repay" him by doing all kinds of stuff around here, but for some reason it doesn't happen.

I wish so much I didn't have bipolar.  Since I do have it I find myself wishing I had hyper manic episodes so I'd be all energetic and get stuff done.  Instead I have the opposite.  It's like I can drink a ton of coffee and don't even get an energy burst from it.  I feel like a slug most of the time.  I know it's what I let get me down and take me into one of my spirals.  It's the throws of bipolar and it sucks.