I have to write....I have to.  I'm starting to go back up into my head.  Living in my head is a dangerous and scary place.  Whereas the words usually flow from my fingers onto the page I'm having a problem trying to (mind goes blank) .  I've noticed my mind going blank like that for a bit now.  I'm going to strike through how many times I go to change wording or a sentence.  Maybe it will show me   I want to see for myself how many times this is happening.

I have to write but it's hard to keep my mind on the words because of all the stuff going on in my head.  What pops to the forefront is my online game.  I'm bored with it, I'm tired of being in the guild and playing with people.  When I play I want to play by myself.  I always seem to get myself in a position where I become good friends with the people in the guild and then I wish I hadn't.  I wish I would have joined, kept quiet and done some runs and stuff with them...but that's it.  I read that and it sounds so trivial and stupid.  Annette always tells me it's my emotions and my emotions aren't stupid.  I guess it's where I'm at right now.  Not thinking I'm good at (mind blank).  Thinking I'm not good at anything right now.

I've honestly become obsessed thinking about how to stop playing.  It's like being addicted to some sort of drug.  Addiction is one of my (mind blank) ahh...personality traits.  I come from a family of alcoholics and pill poppers.  I've been clean and sober for three or four years, and now my addiction is to the computer and an online game.  Yesterday I tried to think back to when I didn't have a computer.  To what did I do when I ate breakfast and didn't check on my social network or play an online game.  It's sad...I can't remember.  Part of me wants to have Stephen disconnect me so I can stay away.  If it's not available I'll have to find something else to do with my time.  Something productive.

I've kept all of this hidden from him again.  It's like sometimes I don't want to have to try to explain, or hear any type of answer or "solution" from anyone...not even Annette.  So I keep it inside, in my head until it becomes overwhelming and I fall over the edge.  I don't want to go over the edge again.  I want to uninstall the game, I want to (mind blank) delete my social network page.  I want to get away from online. (mind blank).

When my mind goes blank I have to sit here for a bit to try and figure out what I'm trying to say.  All that seems to be running around up there now is the online game and getting away from it for awhile, or for good.  It's the first thing I think of when I wake up.  The game and the guild members.  How some of them are starting to get on my nerves.  How it's not really fun anymore, but I keep playing and I don't know why.  For almost a week now I take two or three naps a day.  It's to keep me from playing.  I don't want to do those naps, but for some reason I do.  I'd rather do something around the house, but it's so overwhelming with all the things I want to do I'm frozen.  I feel my muscles getting stiff and tight from all the sleeping and sitting around and that makes me angry too.

The volunteering at the shelter has helped, but I didn't go in on Friday (because I wanted to play the game) and I didn't go in yesterday (because I'm at the place where I don't want to do anything or go out of the house).  I'm disappointed in myself because I know how much I enjoy it when I go.  I'm so glad I have art class tonight.  I give myself  hell about that too.  I should be practicing.  I did one day, but that's it.  The heart shaped box I wanted to collage still sits on the shelf (for probably a month or more now).  I know the paint I saved in the little glass jars has probably dried up by now...although I covered them with plastic wrap.  I haven't cross stitched.  I haven't done a damn thing around the house and I feel like such a lazy bitch.  Stephen goes out to work all day to give me an opportunity not to work.  I feel like I should be doing stuff around the house and be productive to show my appreciation.  Hell, I don't even go out to clean up the dog shit anymore.  I tell myself it's because it's snowy, rainy, wet and my slippers aren't water proof.  Yet it's proof as to how much I'm slipping.  How lazy and uncaring I've become.

Writing this is making me tired.  I just want to go take a nap.  I know part of it is the combo of meds. I'm taking.  They make me tired after an hour or two.  It's great at night, but when it happens in the morning I chastise myself for not being able to overcome it and move on.  To do something besides play a stupid game....or press "like" on people's status just to make them feel good. 

I've run out of things to say.  Well, things to write.  My head is full of stuff and I thought writing would help.  It's making me tired and the stuff is still in my head.  I want to get the stuff out of my head and I don't know how.  Damn I wish I knew how...but I think I've let it get to overwhelming.  I want to do something productive around the house today, but feel to lazy to do it.  I have no energy, my head seems to take all of it away. 

I'm going to go lay on the couch with the dogs and take a nap.  Writing has made me tired.  I'm just so fucking tired.  I hate being tired...I hate having bipolar...I hate I get addicted to crap.  I just hate right now...myself especially.  I look up and see I didn't even end up striking through what I had to re-write.  I forgot....