So...today is the last day of my Depakote.  I'm a little antsy about it after the reaction I had when they were weaning me off Paxil and onto Effexor.  It was hell and I ended up being hospitalized to make the transition safely.  I'm happy my psychiatrist recognised the crisis and I was more than happy to be hospitalized where I knew I'd be safe.  So far, with the dosage cut in half there have been no severe changes.  I do notice my thoughts getting a bit racy again, but I'd rather work through that with my therapist.  I really don't want a pill to take to cure every part of my illness.  Sometimes I think they're my way of wimping out, of taking the easy way out instead of doing the work.  Luckily it's only sometimes, as I know if I felt that way about all my meds. and stopped taking them I'd totally lose it.

Since my last melt down (yup that's what I like to call them) I've been seeing my therapist two times a week.  I have my appointment today.  Last week I told her about the new tattoo I plan on getting.  The artist I want to do the work is completely booked so I won't be getting it until the end of February.  I explained it to her and we got into quite a discussion about it, without her ever seeing it.

 

 

When I first laid eyes on this picture it somehow spoke to me.  I guess part of it is the macabre mixed with the cuteness.  I don't really try to analyze when a photo or music speaks to me.  Damn, I don't want to go through my life analyzing everything.  Can't some things just be something?  Does having bipolar mean I'm suppose to figure out why something speaks to me every time something shows up in my life I truly enjoy?  As far as the middle figure the only thing I can relate to is the bird cage around her head...as if trapping her thoughts in.  The rest of the figure ...well...I don't know...I don't see the rest of her as me.  The children are cute as hell and they appeal to me.  See, now I'm trying to explain and analyze to myself what it is that appeals to me about the picture.

 

When I explained it to her the response I got was "oh, the middle woman shouldn't be ugly like that.  I see the middle woman as being you, and you don't want to think of yourself like that.  The middle woman should be beautiful, something to represent the beauty in you and how you'd like to see your inner self".  Huh?  We're going to have a discussion of why I should change something I like?  Oh my god, she doesn't like my idea...I should change it.  What will other people think?  Sigh it feels as if I've lived most of my life not doing what I'd like because of "what will other people think".  Now I question whether I should just forget about getting it.  There's a part of me though which screams back at me "It's your body, it's something you like...it's something you want to do and here you go again, letting someone try to talk you out of it because you're feeling the what will people think syndrome".

 

Arghhh...I'm getting it...I'm going to have it done.  It's a painting which speaks to me and I don't feel I have to analyze or figure out why.  I do that so often in my life with bipolar.  This time I'm just going to do it for me...not for other people and how they feel about it.  Screw them...for once this is for me, no guilt, no wondering what others will think...for me!!!