Ummm...I made it a little over half a day at the partial program and then bailed.  I feel like it's something I really don't need to do.  I'm over the "bad" period and would rather work with Annette on getting through what happened over the hellish week I had last week.  The icing on the cake for me was when I had a session with their therapist.  I'm thinking she was the one I saw when I first began seeing Dr. Kahn after my last in hospital stay. 

She came in and talked for a bit and asked me if I did drugs or drank.  I responded I had been clean and sober for over 4 years.  Her next suggestion was I go to AA.  What the fuck...my problem is neither of those so why suggest it.  After that I basically shut down and wouldn't let her in.  I laugh now because I did what I did with Annette one session.  I didn't realize that by not looking at someone and not speaking was really my way of having control.

Anyway...she told me her story about how she'd been sober for twenty-four years and still attended meetings.  Big fucking deal.  I told her again it wasn't for me.  She then had the ovaries to ask if I believed in God...my response...no.  Then if I believed in a higher being...again...no.  My feelings on AA is they ask you to kind of hand over some of your problems to a higher being.  To me that's a cop out.  I'd rather take responsibility for own life.  She walked out after 15 minutes of our hour session.

I called when I got home and let them know I wasn't coming back.  They asked if I could give it a few more days and I responded no.  Then I was told I acted like I was depressed.  It wasn't depression...it was that I didn't want to be there.  Plus my meds. kicked in around 9:00 and I was tired and had a hard time staying awake.  They called and made an appointment with Dr. Kahn for me this evening.  I'm wondering if I'm going to catch a bit of shit...but it's my life and my choices.

The experience of last week, plus yesterday did give me a break through.  I realize sitting around the house isn't so good for me.  Putting off cleaning or anything else that needs to be done is used as an excuse that I'm depressed.  Things like that don't need baby steps....they need to be done.  I realize I use my illness as an excuse not to do things...especially around the house.  I  can't explain how I had this epiphany...I just did.  I mean, I'm not going to go all out and clean the entire house in one day.  But I can do more than dust a dining room table for christ's sake.

I have trouble remembering stuff and wonder if it's because my mind isn't being used, or basically only used to play my online game.  I even have problems spelling words and have to look them up to write posts.  I'm sending my daughter her birthday card today and don't even know how much postage is.  Normally I would call Stephen and ask, but I'm going to look it up myself.  I love Stephen with all my heart and soul, but realize I depend on him a little too much.  I realized that yesterday when I walked out of the program.  On the way home I thought I'd call him and get him to call and tell them I wasn't coming back.  I thought about it and again I was going to get him to get me out of situation I should handle myself.  I put on my big girl panties and handled it myself.  The world didn't fall apart.

I'm ready to make changes....just not all at one time.  I realize if I overwhelm myself I end up paralyzed.  Although "baby steps" is still my mantra it's going to mean more than dusting the dining room table.