“Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what it says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees before it, and it laughs.”
― Marya Hornbacher

 

 

I found this quote this morning and it so describes what I feel like at this point in time.  Worn down to the point of wanting to sleep the feelings away.  Easier to follow along with the feelings instead of trying various tools to stop the nasty feelings.  It has taken over my mind and I can't seem to get it to go away.  Oh how I wish the feelings would just stop...or shut the hell up.

 

 

I don't know where I begin or where the depression starts.  I'm so fucking confused right now.  I'm spiraling out of control...my mind is driving me crazy.  This a big spiral down into the black hole.  I haven't felt this out of control with my emotions in a long time and it hurts so fucking bad.  I do believe anything it says....I do feel worthless...hopeless...helpless...alone with all these fucking thoughts.  The depression whispers in my mind telling me everything useless and horrible about me...and I believe every word of it.  I'm worn out.

 

 

I wish with all my heart for it to go away.  Like the quote I plead for it to stop....I try finding the tools I've learned through the years to cope and help with it, but it seems I've lost the tool box right now.  I feel like I'm going a bit crazy and all I've done is cry most of the day.  It's so fucking hard, but I won't let it take me to the point of harming myself...I just won't.  The sad thing is I did think of beating the hell out of one of the dogs this morning just to let some of the anger out.  It was a fleeting thought...I will not take this disease out on an innocent being.

 

 

The whole appointment with Annette yesterday is still bothering me.  I don't like to let anyone down, I don't want to confuse them.  What I heard yesterday is that for ten years I've been lying to her.  That's not true...sometimes I don't know how to express my feelings...or there's just a spark of depression so I go onto another topic.  I don't know, I'm not running from her, but I wonder, after ten years, if it's time to get another perspective from another therapist.  I don't know anything right now, I'm so confused.

 

She also mentioned I depend on Stephen a bit to much.  I understand I do, so lately I've been doing a bit more to stop.  Instead of asking him to stop for dog food yesterday I went and got it (big fucking deal I tell myself).  Today I sent him an email to bring home some biscuits because I don't want to make them tonight like I did the other night.  I felt so guilty for writing that email and asking him to do something for me again .  I feel like a lazy bitch...a worthless lazy bitch....a worthless, lazy, guilt ridden bitch.