A very good session with Annette today.  I'll be seeing her twice a week for awhile until I can get some control over these confusing, overwhelming feelings.  I took a past couple of pages of my blog to read to her.  I want her to understand me and what (at points) goes on daily when  the depression begins to flare up.  I figured my moods can change on a daily basis, so she may not being seeing the "whole" me.  We both agreed it was a good idea. 

I was the one to read them and she commented on how well my writing style is and told me what a good job I do at expressing my feelings.  I felt like a puppy who'd done something right and was praised for it.  Not in a bad way though.

She talked about something we've talked about often, and which I've forgotten the past couple of weeks.  To feel the emotion...to say.."ah, here it is."  To remember there's a beginning, a middle and an end.  The most important part I've been leaving out was to step back and observe my feelings from "the observer" point of view.  To write, separate myself a bit from the emotional part, re-read and observe the big picture in the same post.

I took notes (yes, me...took notes) on some of the questions for the observer part of my mind to work on:

• This is a really confusing (whatever other emotion) time.  Wonder where this is coming and what is making it confusing.
• Hmmm...don't some of these look like old patterns.  Patterns from growing up...somehow from my past experiences or is this something "new".
• Let me be here as constructively as I can right now.
• I'm really in emotional mind right now...how can I work myself into wise mind.

I honestly want to work on me.  I want to be the best I can be with this illness.  I've said that many times before.  I know I'll screw up...no one is perfect. To keep remembering everything has a beginning, middle and end. I'm working the middle right now.