I woke up angry yesterday, I don't know why, just angry.  Feelings come now and I have no clue where they're coming from...they're just there.  I'm so confused about them.  I felt it was about time I took a shower as I was going to see Anette.  After my shower I was getting into the cabinet to get something and saw the straight edge with the piece on it I use to thin my hair when I'm cutting it choppy.  I eyed it in a loving way.  Although part of me knew not to do it I took it out and took the cover off.

I couldn't help it.  I wanted to see what it felt like to go across my skin.  The day before I had thought about something sharp going across my arm.  I imagined slicing butter and wondered what it would feel like.  Those feelings over took me as I held it in my hand so I sliced.  I felt a bit of pain, but didn't think I'd gotten rid of it all...so I sliced the same place again.  I watched the blood start to come out in droplets.  All of a sudden the anger was gone.  I felt some type of euphoria...no more anger.

I guess there was some part of me who knew what I had done was "wrong".  I took the straight edge downstairs and laid it on the dining room table...then went out to smoke.  I felt so much better, I couldn't believe.  Stephen had taken a shower and came out to thank me for sitting the straight edge on the table and he was proud of me.  I lifted my sleeve to show him my cut.  He was visibly upset, but I didn't care, I knew I just felt much better mentally and emotionally and didn't want that feeling ruined.

He said I told him I had done it to prove he couldn't keep me safe.  I don't remember saying that at all.  I know it had to have hurt him to hear that from me though...I still haven't apologized for it as I'm not realizing I now say things I don't remember.  I did it because I wanted a release.  A release from the anger...a release from whatever pain  is inside that I can't figure out.  He must have thought I was crazy on our drive to the therapist.  I was so damn happy.  Not because I had hurt him, but because the anger was gone.

He went into the office with me and talked about it.  It was the first I'd heard what I'd said, but I sat there and didn't say anything.  I guess I was a bit shocked to know I'd said that to him.  I love and care about him so much and wouldn't do something like that to just hurt him.  I think back now and remember Annette saying I did it out of defiance.  I went along with it because I had no clue at the time why I had done it.  Well, accept to know what it felt like to slice butter.  Fuck I have such a hard time keeping up with thoughts now a days.  There are so many floating around me head, so I get very confused.

He barely talked to me last night so I know he was hurt and mad at me.  That bothers me.  I feel like I've really hurt the person who means the most to me without even remembering why.  I believe it's the first time since we've been together that I've felt so alienated from him.  I don't like the feeling, it feels like I'm being punished and although if I said that I should be.  It was mean and hateful and I don't know why my mind would say such a thing.  I so appreciate all he's done for me, has given up for me, for what he's had to put up with me.