I will not tolerate abuse in any form.
I have power!
I will not let others use me.
I am a divine child!
I will sift out friends, keeping the good.
That is my responsibility!
Like the skunk, I will learn when to be disagreeable.
That is my right!

 

 

This past weekend I had a dream that my mother tried to kill me with skunks...yeah skunks.  Not just one skunk...but five.  When I woke up I was like "what the hell was that all about".  I had to look up skunk totem to see what it was trying to tell me and got my answer.  I'm heading down on Sunday to spend a few days with my family.  Instead of being excited I have anxiety.  I've learned I can only stay a couple of days before I have to head back to the safety of my home and to Stephen.

 

 

I've done a real good job setting boundaries with my family.   I'm so happy they've respected them (especially my dad).  My mom, on the other hand, seems to not want to (or maybe in some weird way) can't.  It drives me to the edge to stay with her, but I really have no where else to stay. With dad being an alcoholic and drinking every night, we argue and it gets pretty rough and brings back to many bad memories of the beatings as a child.

 

Melissa's house is a disaster and so unorganized it overwhelms me to be there.  It's way to much overstimulating and I don't deal well with that.  My therapist has suggested a hotel room, but that can get to be expensive (although it does sound like a good idea for this trip).

 

I'm rambling...or at least my mind is...this morning and I can't keep up with what I'm trying to write.  Plus the fonts and size are changing on me and it's annoying and distracting me.  Oh, as I was saying most of my family has respected the boundaries I've talked over with them....except mom.  She crosses them constantly.  She's the most negative person I've ever known and she's my mom, so I feel like I have to "put up" with it.  The woman never has a nice thing to say about anyone and bitches and complains.  She's an emotional vampire and sucks the energy and all out of me.  The skunk totem fits perfectly for the way I've been feeling about heading down there. 

 

I will not allow her to "abuse me" with all of her negativity.  I will not let her use me as an emotional vampire.  I will push her to not overstep the boundaries we've talked so many times about....and if she does I'll somehow (haven't figured it out yet) let her know I'm sick and tired of it.  As I write that my first thought is "I'll run away".  I know with my bipolar there's only so much I can take before either the depression or anger or anxiety take over and I'm a mess.  It's one of many reasons I'm so happy  I met and fell in love with Stephen.  By moving up here it keeps me out of the shit, the drama, the day to day living in a place I felt I never belonged.

 

I do love the fact I get to see Amaya.  I love having her in my life and miss not being able to see her growing up now.  Four years old and I love it when she calls with that little voice "Hi Oma".  The problem I have is I get in one of my moods down there and don't enjoy her as much.  I find myself snapping at her for small offences.  I almost wrote "that's just not me"...but it is me...or at least a part of me...which I don't care for.  I guess part of my progress would be to learn to care about that part of me and accept it for what it is.  I wonder if it would make it "easier" to deal with it if I accept and not start beating the shit out of myself over it.

 

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Observer

Oh, this is an easy one for me to observer.  These are old familiar patters.  Patterns going back to when I was a child.  I see I've made some progress with most of my family members, but there's still some residue left.  It brings up all those feelings and hurts and name calling I suffered as a child. "You're worthless", "You'll  never amount to shit", "You're lazy".

 

To be constructive I have to believe I'm not what my parents told me I was.  It's one of the hardest issues I still wrestle with, especially when I'm feeling a bit low anyway.  The constructive part of me can't even wrap it's head around not thinking these things about myself.  Working on a way to lower those voices, or maybe stop them would be a goal.  Maybe when the thought comes up tell myself I am not that.  I am more.

 

I know my mother is the way she is.  I expect it and don't expect a miraculous change.  I just wrote almost and entire post about her.  I realize what I'm going down there too.  If I can see what I'm going down to I can mentally prepare myself.  I can remind myself this is not something new and it's who she is.

 

I'm in an emotional mind right now...how do I get to be in a wise one?  To look at this post and realize these emotions always arise before a trip down there.  To tell myself "ah...here it is again".  To recognise these are feelings and patterns from my past.