I want to cut myself...there...I put it out there.  Or a nice bottle of Riesling wine would do.  I won't do either one...I just had to say it to make it real in some screwed up way.  I don't know why I do it.  I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety.  I'm just so fucking tired....mentally and physically (although I haven't done a damn thing physically to be tired).  Maybe it's the holidays....I dunno.  I've never gotten into spending all the money and the over commercialization of it.  I haven't watched "regular" television in over a month.

I know a lot of it stems from my previous post.  I'm not sure I can do the VA thing.  I feel bad because I want to see Amaya for the holidays, but do I really want to see her (or her me) when I'm still not in a good place?  For people who would tell me it would "make me feel better"...screw you.  It won't...especially if I'm triggered down there.  I don't know if I'm in a mental place to bring her back with me.  Especially having to watch her alone.  Oh, I would never, ever hurt her...but what if I need to shut down.  I can't do that with a four year old around.

It's like right now I really need to shut down (sleep) but I feel bad about putting Hank back in his kennel.  I had to go out and pick up some stuff this morning.  I kind of thought getting out of the house to get a carton of cigarettes and a few other things would help...pffft...I wanted to cry the entire time I was out.

Having dogs is kind of like having four toddlers around the house I at times.  Like now I wonder why in the hell did I ever bring them into our home.  They're a pain in the ass.  When I'm in a really bad place I've thought of killing them.  Luckily my reasonable mind wouldn't let me do that.

I'm losing it right now...screw Hank...I'm going to bed and curl up in my cocoon.

No observation on this post...I'm to damn tired to even think.