Where to begin....

When you don't know where to begin.  I feel as if I haven't seen an old friend in quite a while and we need hours to catch up on what's been going on in each others lives.  Life has had it's ups and downs mentally, but all in all I've been doing so much better.  Until...

I found a new psychiatrist due to my frustration with my previous one.  I really enjoy this guy and he spends time with me when during my visits.  It's what I've always dreamed of in having a psychiatrist.  It seems like with a new psychiatrist comes a new diagnosis.  Now I'm "bi-polar" .... the parenthsis because I don't care for labels.  I'm only aware I have a mental illness.

Although the cocktail of medications I was taking seemed fine to me, he thought it best (with the new diagnosis) to change it up a bit.  I agreed and began weaning myself off of my Paxil and taking a larger dose of Wellbutrine.  It took two weeks to ween myself off and only a day after completing it the symptons began.  Extreme anxiety...to the point of not able to breath and being sick to the stomach.  Depression and non-stop crying began next.  This went on over the weekend and Monday morning I left a message for the psychiatrist to call me.  By this time I was too afraid to go out of the house or drive.

He suggested going off my Wellbutrine, which would stop the intolerable anxiety attacks.  The problem with this solution, it didn't help with my other symptons.  Crying jags, paranoia, blurry vision, dizziness and confusion.  On Tuesday I called back to leave another message demanding to be put back on my old medication regime.  This was a living hell.  I had spent four days in bed, not being able to cope with the world.  He agreed to going back to 20mg. of Paxil....which I started last evening.  It's like the clouds have opened up and the sun is shining today.  Like waking from some type of nightmare to find the birds singing again.

Although the months leading up to this have basically been you "normal" ups and downs I focus on this one negative aspect.  I think so it will remind me of what can happen with a medication change, and to also let others know.  If I had ever had the smallest inkling of going off my medication it is now gone.  I don't want to put my mind, body or wonderful husband through that nightmare anymore.

I've found solace reading positive blogs and quotes.  I'll be adding them to my side bar.  They've brought me far in my journey to happiness and living a good life.  They can be my therapy at times...bringing me the right post when I really need it.  I feel a bit like the dark horse among them, but feel their are people out there, who, just like me, have a mental illness and can undersand and know they're not the only ones.

For me...for now...I choose hapiness.