I'm sitting here grooving to some old blues and have an incredibly scented candle burning. I'm back to feeling like "me". The haze of depression and being unmotivated have lifted. First I'm working hard with my therapist on smashing the old tapes which run constantly, hence the picture. When you grow up with a parent (in this case my father) who constantly tells you "you're worthless", "you'll never amount to shit", "you're lazy and a slob" I believe a part of you dies. In my case I've taken those irrational comments to heart and made my own tapes of them. He no longer has to tell me, they're firmly ingrained in my brain. In order to change the tape I have work to do. Right now I'm working on an exercise where, when the tape starts up, I pull it out and smash it on the ground. I stomp on it and crush it to smithereens. It's a feeling of exhilaration to picture this in my mind.
The psychiatrist has also upped my Wellbutrin to 150 mg. daily. It helps in lifting the haze and makes it a bit easier to do the work I need on my path to coping with the depression. My cocktail of medications now consists of five types:
- Paxil - 60 mg in the morning (anti-depressant)
- Lamictal - 200 mg two times daily (mood stabilizer)
- Klonipin - .5 mg. two times daily (anxiety)
- Wellbutrin - 150 mg. in the morning (anti-depressant that works on another part of the brain)
- Ambian - 20 mg. before bed (to help me sleep)
I'm back...
2 comments:
I struggle with my own tape sin my head as well, and I definitely can understand where you're coming from! But I'm happy to see you happier!
This thing should have a "like" button somewhere :)
I have the tapes in my head too, mine say there is nothing wrong with you. I started cutting at age 15, my mother was in denial even though she could obviously see the cuts and scars from previous ones. She was a teenage mother and we never developed a mother/child bond, i think that's where her denial came from...like maybe she did the damage that was causing me to be a cutter. I was a self medicator and still am to a certain point, but mom helped me do that too, i was just being a "teenager" she would always say. I didnt get medical help til I was 24 years old, she didnt believe the doctor then, she is a (LPN with a PHD)a lil humor in our family! That was worse than finding out about the diagnosis, was the fact i was alone...or so i thought.
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