Making sense of the senseless...

"I heard the news today...oh boy" Beatles lyric

It's hard to write today...to put coherent thoughts into words.  To get my brain to concentrate enough to get what's bothering me out.  It all started Sunday morning really.

I enjoy watching "Sunday Morning" for it's up beat stories.  I decided to turn to the channel before hand while I was checking my emails and playing around on the computer.  Of course the regular news was on and I was able to tune it out...it was background noise.  Until, of course, the story about the Arizona shooting came on.  I found myself turning in my chair and riveted to the television.  I began to feel emotions immediately and quickly turned the channel to listen to music.  I even skipped the morning show, I wasn't in the mood.

I haven't watched the news for a couple of weeks now, it always seems to have a profound effect on me, so I gave up on watching it.  Seems I take it too personally, get emotionally involved in some way.  Either sadness, depression, anger or frustrated.  It's the same bull shit wrapped neatly in a different package.  It seduces me and then gets under my skin....for days.

When I first decided not to watch it I questioned how I would keep up with what's going on in the world.  Then realized, do I really need to hear all the tragedy and drama going on?  My answer was a firm "no".  Here I am though, still rehashing what I heard.  Taking a sneak peak at online news about the shooting.  Getting myself all worked up because it's now been blown into a political battle (yet again) instead of being seen for what it truly is.

Another part of the equation is mental illness is already being seen as the reason this happened.  Another stigma for those of us with a mental illness to overcome.  I'm angry because whenever something like this happens it's always blamed on a mental illness, before the shooter, killer, rapist is ever seen by a psychiatrist and properly evaluated.

I'm angry it's turned into a political battle ground.  The words left and right have taken on a negative connotation.  Isn't there a middle ground anymore?

 I completely understand I tend to take events outside of myself too personally.  I know I'm doing it again.  How to pull out of this is the question/lesson I know deep down (where I can't access right now) I want to learn to pull out of this place.  To not take what doesn't directly involve me so personally.

It's not a question of not caring, I do care, a little too much though.  It hurts me to see the hate, the loss, without it effecting me on a deep level.  It's hard to pull myself away from it and look at from the outside instead of being smack dab in the middle of whatever tragedy it is.  I believe this is the very first time I haven't stayed riveted to the television to see every detail unfold.  It's a baby step in the right direction.

 I think I'm going to set the DVR to record the show I enjoy watching, like any other show I watch.  It's all I have for right now....