Imagine

Imagine a morning where you awake feeling "normal".  A morning where you had a great day planned out. A morning where you were feeling happy, energetic and excited.

Imagine within an hour all those emotions suddenly, without warning, change.  Doing a 180.  Wondering if there were some type of trigger you missed.  Trying, in vain, to search for, to figure out what in the hell happened.


Your mind having an inner battle with itself.  Feeling like the proverbial angel is propped on one shoulder, the devil on the other.  They're arguing again.  It's the same old argument you've heard for years now and still listen intently to. 

Angel: " Let's get out of the house.  Let's go volunteer and play with dogs.  You really would enjoy getting out of the house.  It's an excellent time to put you in a better frame of mind. The emotional turmoil going on in your head will be lifted.  The dogs calm and ground you."

The Devil interrupts: "Lets go back to bed.  Sleep solves everything.  You know you're feeling sleepy.  You know the dogs will pick up on what's going on upstairs in your head.  They'll pick up on your emotions. You know you're going to stress them out with your mind ramblings.  It's not fair to them you know." 

You begin trying to sort through all the bull shit you've been handed this early in the morning. Heading out for yet another cigarette, you take a drag, realizing you know this place well and the ensuing fight your brain will begin to wage war with.  A place where your mind becomes too overwhelmed with thoughts.  You try to slug through, yet there's too much going on to make sense of anything.  The thoughts spin, like an amusement park ride gone haywire. Searching, unsuccessfully, for the off switch.  It's nowhere to be found.


Heading back into the house you immediately head for the cabinet containing the cocktail of medications.  Medications you take twice a day, to keep your mood and mind from taking over. You take a brief moment to stand and stare at them.  The thought blinking through your brain, "take them all, it'll solve all your problems".  Only a blink as you realize your selfish way out would devastate those you love.  You really don't give a shit about yourself, but keep it together for those who love you.


Taking them, you decide to skip breakfast.  You're not hungry.  Within an hour you've got vertigo and stumble around like a drunk.  The pill bottles all have warnings about taking them on an empty stomach. "May cause dizziness and drowsiness. Do not drive while taking."  Fuck the warning, you weren't hungry.  You have to grab a yogurt, hopeful it will stop the vertigo and the nausea that ensues.


The drowsiness, well, once it hits is unstoppable.  It's 11:00 a.m. and once the yogurt is finished you can barely keep your eyes open.  Score one for the "devil"  you tell yourself  as you drag yourself up to bed.