Ahhh, home sweet home.  It's so great to be home.  The past four days was a big step for me.  I was out of my comfort zone...the box I feel I sometimes live in.  I felt it was a big step for me after the past couple of months.  Having my own hotel room to "escape" and have down time was the best idea I've had.  I believe from now on it'll be my choice of where to lay my head when I go down.  I didn't feel the stress and anxiety I often feel when I stay with mom.

Home though...it's where my routine is.  It's calm here, I know what to expect on a daily basis.  Stephen makes it much easier as he's a very routine oriented person.  I'm so lucky to have met this man who so understands me and helps in ways he doesn't even realize.  I never realize how routines help keep me stable until they're out of whack.  I think it's why I feel so proud of myself for stepping outside of my comfort zone and mixing it up a bit.  Small doses is good for me right now.

The one thing I wish I could have had time to do while I was there was to visit my favorite little antique mall.  I can usually walk out with some type of treasure for a great price.  I guess my trip to the Good Will made up for it though.  I'm also happy to have scored a nice black fleece hoodie while I was there.  I've been upset that I left my favorite green jacket and black tennis shoes at my daughter's house two years ago.  For some reason they're now "lost" for all of eternity.  It's hard for me to live with so much chaos in my life, and visiting her condo drives me over the edge.  I've come to realize it's her being her and I have no reason (or right) on telling her how to live her life.  After so many times of helping her get her things organized and catching her up on her wash and cleaning her carpet I've decided she can do it on her own.  It always goes back to the chaos after I've helped and it used to upset me.  Now, I just let it go and stay somewhere else.

We'll have Amaya with us until Sunday.  I love my granddaughter with all my heart, but get a bit of anxiety when I realize my life still won't be back to its "normal" routine for another couple of days.  I feel so bad for writing that, but it's the truth.  Being a long distance Oma is a tough thing.  I miss seeing her grow up and seeing her grow and learn.  Having someone depend on me for a lot is tough though.  It's hard to admit, but when I had my daughter I made it through by smoking a joint (i.e. self medicating).  I make myself look back and give myself hell and blame myself for some of her problems.  It's something which can overwhelm me with guilt if I think about it for to long.

Getting out of the routine of writing is making this post a bit tough to get my feelings back onto paper.  I guess with my change in routine over the past four or five days some things are just going to take some time to get back in order.  One thing which hasn't changed....as soon as woke up this morning I already began thinking of what to cook for dinner tonight....