I made a comment to my husband yesterday and now realize it had to have hurt his feelings.  My grouchiness had turned to irritation.  I hid myself in a video game all day yesterday.  I guess it's my way of escaping the real world.  I played by myself, not even joining in with the other people in my guild.  I played one of my characters who no one realizes is me.  I left the real world behind because I didn't want to deal with it.  At least the game makes me think that I'm doing something instead of going to bed for the day.  It's an escape of sorts.

So far today isn't going so well.  After the irritation of yesterday I'm feeling down today...sitting on the edge.  This is so fucking getting on my nerves.  I have, what I believe to be, rapid cycling lately.  A couple of good days followed by not so good to bad days.

I think of the "plan" I made last week to get things done and think "what the fuck".  I can't do this...I don't want to do this.  Then I ask myself what I want to do and have no answer.  I don't know what the fuck I wanna do.  When I feel like this I end up going to bed...it's all I want to do since I don't know what else to do.  It's not really boredom, but hard to explain.

I always read "find yourself"...well...how in the hell do you do that?  I've been trying to find me for 52 years.  I don't really know who the real me is.  I have so many masks hanging in my closet for use depending on the situation.  Who am I really?  And "follow your passion"....I don't know what the hell that is either.  In my case my passion changes constantly.  It's gotten to be such a chore to find it I feel like giving up on that part of my life.

I'm pissed because the dogs are dragging mud and dirt into the basement.  Our soil is rather sandy...so it feels gritty everywhere.  When I sit on the couch I feel the grit.  The couch covers I washed last week are already filthy and I think "what's the use".  Sometimes I wish we didn't have four dogs, then I remember I'm the one that took them in.  They also keep me from staying in bed all day as I have to take care of them....even when I don't want to...like today.  I give myself credit for at least taking that responsibility and not leaving them unfed and shitting and peeing all over the basement.

My mind is racing and going from topic to topic.  It's been doing this a lot more lately.  For about a month now.  I see my shrink next Monday and think we need to talk about this.  It sucks so badly when I get like this and think changing my meds. will be the cure all.  Well, not exactly the cure all...but help me get back on a bit of an even keel.  I'm feeling a bit out of control.  If only I could stop these racing thoughts and figure out what the hell is causing them to rear their ugly head.  I can't think straight when I'm like this.  I try to sit outside when I'm smoking and do the hearing meditation my therapist taught me.  I can't still my mind long enough to do that.  I know life is like an ocean wave and it's not always calm water...but damn the ocean is tossing me about too much lately.

I'm beating myself up because I don't want to do a chore around the house today.  It's going to be hard enough to make dinner, but at least it's this crock put stuff and I just need to put it all together.  It has to cook for seven hours and I keep looking at the clock and think I should be starting it soon.  I also need to let the dogs out soon.  I really should also take a shower as I haven't washed myself for two days.

I don't care, I don't give a shit about the way I look or smell.  I know I have a therapist appointment tomorrow.  I know I'll take a shower then and get all dressed and smelling wonderful to put on the "I'm seeing the therapist" act.  Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I'm better than I really am because I go there all put together.  I never show up without having a shower and looking nice.  It's part of my nature of looking nice which has come from my mother.  You don't leave the house looking scruffy.  Maybe it's why I don't leave the house a whole lot when I'm feeling like this. 

I'm going to get my shit together enough to throw stuff in the crock pot...let the dogs out to the bathroom and try to vacuum the grit and dirt from this floor and clean myself up a bit...although a shower seems a bit overwhelming at least I'll wash the parts that need washing.  Reading just this little bit of work makes me tired.  I feel like a complete failure and wonder how anyone could possibly love anyone like me.  I start becoming paranoid my husband will ask me to leave because he has finally had enough of the fucked up me.

I hate when I feel like this...I hate that I hurt those I love unintentionally.  I'll probably end up in my virtual world just to get out of my head.  I hate me...

Baby steps my ass...