Hitting bottom...

On June 7th at 11:00 pm I entered my first psychiatric hospital. Earlier in the afternoon I had a complete break down. I had been trying to hold on for many weeks, but the depression and anxiety finally overcame me and I became suicidal. I called for help...first my mom, then my wonderful husband and finally a crisis hot line. I wanted to take my prescription medications....all of them...and the urge was just too great. There was also a small piece of me who wanted to live...to not disappoint those who loved and cared about me. Thankfully I listened to the small voice that said "live".

A year ago I had been in a partial program for those with depression/anxiety, but hadn't found a psychiatrist for my after care. Was my break from reality due to my medications needing to be tweaked, or from a build up of stressful life events which began in March of this year? I'll never really be sure, I just know I could no longer cope.

The psychiatric unit was very scary at first. Nothing like "Girl Interrupted", but lots of rules to keep us on the ward safe. No strings of any kind (think shoe laces, sweat pant ties). No mirrors, no razors, no blow dryers. We were checked on every fifteen minutes, we had a routine. I honestly think the two hardest things for me were no caffeine and minimal time outdoors. The rest of it made me feel safe, helped me take a break from the "real world". To think of only myself and my disease and what I needed to do to feel better.

I had always believed I would hate group counseling, but found I thoroughly enjoyed it. I gained much insight, but more importantly, I was with people who understood what I was going through. Who had the same symptoms and situations I did. I no longer felt alone with my dis-ease.

I stayed for ten days, and on each and every day my wonderful husband came to visit and took me outside for my thirty minute limit. While I chain smoked we sat and had some of the best conversations of our married life. We decided to make changes to spend more "us" time....we learned to love and appreciate each other all over again.

Coming home this past Wednesday was a bit overwhelming at first. Too much stimulation after being so isolated. It was wonderful to be home again, but it's taking a bit to get adjusted and not fall back into the same routine. I'm taking it slow...not trying to overwhelm myself with grandiose plans of gardening, pulling all those weeds that bug the shit out of me, clean house and so many other mundane things which can overload my brain. I'm making one goal a day...baby steps. I will be well....

I'm now in a full time partial program and looking forward to a much brighter future...I can finally say I'm hopeful!